11 Jul Frustrated, Isolated, Anxious…
This is not on my list of approved future blog topics; I’m frustrated, feeling isolated, and anxious. A little over a week or so ago I came out to a few folks on YouTube and Facebook, and then made the decision to move my long transition forward, and come out to my doctor so she could help me get what I need to safely complete my transition. Coming out online freed me and gave me the emotional fortitude I needed to come out to my doctor, which for most of the last week since then, I have been on cloud nine; I’ve been driven and motivated (created this blog and a sister TG Info blog, updated my Facebook page, updated my YouTube Channel’s look, and created a website dedicated to my transition progress), but, I’m frustrated, feeling isolated and anxious because I’m dying to scream who I am to the World, but I’ve learned from snap decisions made in the past – over and over, that jumping the gun on something as major as this can have devastating, long lasting consequences. So I’m frustrated, isolated and anxious but doing my best to be patient – but I ain’t that good at it.
I went to my doctor on July 2nd, 2012, and had a wonderful and productive visit. Although she is a terrific GP, she said she was honored that I chose to come out to as transgendered and that I was basically putting myself in her hands, but she admitted up front that I was her first transgendered patient, and as such, although there were other transgendered patient of other doctors in the same practice, this was a first for her so she would need to consult with some colleagues about how best to move me forward, and that that might take a week or so because of the July 4th holiday. At that time, feeling the weight of the World momentarily lifted from my shoulders and my head a spin with possibilities and all kinds of emotions, I said, “Oh that’s OK, I’m in no big hurry!”
Well, I guess I really am in a big hurry, and this is the cause of my current frustrated isolated anxiety. I’ve been on HRT for almost 7 years, and actively working on some kind of transition for a year or two before that, and in my head I’ve completely transisiton a long time ago – I’m a woman; I’m ready to get it on. I run hot and cold on the prospect of the big RLE, but really, for me, I don’t own any boy clothes and haven’t for 4 years, I’m walking around with about a 36B, and my physique and face have changed enough to turn head – for good or worse. For me to go full time to complete the RLE requirement would mean waring on a bra, getting my hair styled with some bangs, slapping on some tasteful makeup, and then only speaking when absolutely necessary until I get the voice thing together. So what’s keeping me back? I don’t know. I no long thing coming out to my family and friends will really surprise anyone, and the folks at work are probably already accustomed to my constantly changing appearance, and they ain’t stupid. I don’t know what’s holding me back; I’d like to have some sort of diagnosis in my pocket before officially coming out, really, does it really matter at this point? I don’t know. If you know, please let me know.
Wow, I feel a lot better! Comments welcome.
Love,
Friday Anne Keyes
07/11/2012